Day #6

By the time someone is on their third baby, you typically do not have a baby shower. The medical school wives that I was friends with invited me over for a “celebration luncheon” two weeks after Tyler was born. A very small part of me wanted to go to that luncheon. The larger part of me was hanging on by a thread that day and I knew in my mind that if someone asked me anything related to Down syndrome, I was going to burst into tears. I just crossed my fingers that they wouldn't mention it. I was very close to these girls, but I was not comfortable talking with anyone about Tyler's condition yet. Thank goodness, the whole hour went smoothly and no one asked me any questions. Again and again each girl kept gooing and gawing over Ty; just like he was any other baby. "Oh, he is so cute." "He is so precious." "He is so beautiful and tiny." Those comments also threw me for a loop because at first I truly believed that they must be lying to me. Surely they think he looks different or weird and they are just trying to cover it up by overdoing the compliments. I didn’t believe them and I started to feel angry. But as I looked a little closer into my friends eyes and listened as they stroked Tyler's hair, Istarted to believe, "They do think my baby is cute. They really really do!" I was grateful for that day.

I love rubbing my hands along Tyler’s hands, tracing his fingers, and moving up his arms. His skin is so soft and the little fat rolls fascinate me. My other two babies were long and skinny. They were always on the low side of the weight scale. They were long and lean and light as a feather. As I examine Tyler’s arms, legs and belly; it feels new to me. I’m not so sure I ever thought chubby babies were cute until now. That really sounds like a horrible thing to say. I am sorry. I was drawn to leaner babies in the beginning. But now, the little pudgy rolls on Tyler make me even more excited to squeeze him to my chest tightly. I like studying each feature on Tyler. Yes, his fingers and toes are more stubby. I can tell his arms and legs are not nearly as lengthy as Josh and Maddie’s. Ty is so rolly polly and the majority of his weight is plopped in the center of that big belly. Another description that comes to mind is a little butter ball. I just can’t get enough of it! I guess I notice the difference in his eyes, but the other facial features don’t stand out to me. The majority of the time, I see Tyler and I just think, “There is my cute little Ty.”

But every now and again I walk into the room and the thought flashes through my mind, “Wow, he really does look like a child with Down syndrome.” It startles me. By the time Tyler passed his year mark, I knew the months I had previously, of people not noticing the unique features, were over. Did it bring me comfort to know for so many months that I could hide this truth from people if I chose to do so? I think so. I enjoyed hearing people tell me how beautiful my son was, and I knew they didn’t have a clue. Did it matter? I don’t like to think of myself as someone who cares a great deal about what other people think of me. I hope to have enough confidence and security to feel good about myself regardless of what others may say. I don’t think I admit how often I do care. I wish I didn’t. I probably shouldn’t. But I do; especially when it comes to my kids.