Day #8!

The beginning...

I didn’t really think I was pregnant. That would be nearly impossible. Nearly. I didn’t tell Dave I thought I should take a test; I just bought a pregnancy test to ease my mind one afternoon. The strangest thing is that Dave called from work, (something that seldom happened while he was doing rounds at the hospital) at the precise moment I was waiting for my result. He said, “Hey Kristine, how’s it going? What are you up to?” “Actually,” I said in a rather surprised tone, “I am just waiting to see my pregnancy test results.” There was a pause, “And……….” he said a little confused and unsure. I waited a few more seconds before I turned the stick over to the other side. “It says I am pregnant. Oh my gosh! I am seriously pregnant Dave.” There was another pause. I had absolutely no idea what was going to come out of his mouth next. “Congratulations honey, I love you. I gotta go. We’ll talk tonight.”
The other two times I had found out I was pregnant, I was jumping up and down all giddy and excited. This time around, I sat there stunned. I was scared.

Getting to take a glace at your baby for the first time on an ultrasound is a super exciting moment. The day I went for my ultrasound I didn’t bother getting a babysitter for Josh and Maddie, but rather decided we would make it a whole family event. Dave was working at the hospital, but he was going to sneak away to come in for my appointment. It really was a joyous moment being with my whole family in that tiny room with the doctor. As they went through all the organs and body parts, everything looked wonderful; no reason for any concern. The most exciting part of course, is finding out the sex of the baby. I didn’t think I had any preference, but when she told me I was having another boy I couldn’t be happier. Deep down, I wanted another boy mainly to give Josh a brother. On the Orme side, Dave’s two sisters and older brother had two boys in a row. The boys were heavily outweighing the girls in the Orme family. I was thrilled to have a baby girl for my second, but I hoped that I would be able to give Josh a brother soon after. For some reason, this really was a big deal for me. Maybe it is because my own brother never had a brother, or maybe I felt strongly about it because Dave was so close to his brothers.

In any case, Dave leaned over to me and wrapped his arm around me and whispered, “Good job honey. Boy, girl, boy! It can’t get any better than that!” At that moment, a feeling of pride crept into me. I never expressed these feelings to anyone, but I remember thinking, “I guess I really am good at this whole child baring thing I get pregnant easily, without any effort in fact, and I have never had a miscarriage or unexpected scare while being pregnant. For the most part, my pregnancies are smooth and I feel great throughout the whole 9 months. On top of it all, giving birth isn’t all that bad either. I guess I am lucky because each pregnancy and birth have been smooth." I walked away from the hospital feeling confident and sure of myself, my pregnancy, and my beautiful growing family.

A few hours after Tyler was born that specific memory flooded back to me. That feeling of being on top of the world now crumbled into a million pieces. It was a shock to my system as I remembered those thoughts from the months before. “Good job honey! Boy, girl, boy! It can’t get any better than that!” Now I felt stripped of the pride I had felt just a few months earlier, or even a few hours earlier. I felt ashamed and embarrassed that I had just given my husband a child who would be called retarded. How could I do this to him? I had just given Josh and Maddie a brother whom the kids at school would point their fingers at and laugh. Having a miscarriage at this point sounded like a much better solution than bringing a kid into the world that would be a financial and emotional strain on my family. What had I done? Now as I held this infant in my arms I felt as if everything in our family had changed. It had.

At one point that morning I remember breaking down into heavy sobs. Dave came over and sat by my side with his arm around me. He asked, “Kristine, what are you thinking about?” “Dave,” I began, “There are moments in my life that I wish my dad could be with me more than anything. I would do anything to have him with me right now.” I wanted to hold my dad right then, and cry with him. I wanted to feel his strong and loving embrace and be comforted in a way that only a dad can comfort his daughter. After I said this Dave too started sobbing. He said, “I know. I miss him right now too.” My dad was the person I was longing to express my grief with and although he had been gone for over 10 years, I knew that morning he was right there with me. He was so close. But not close enough to physically hold hands with in that little room. I knew my husband knew how much I was missing and needing my father; and he was feeling it too. We felt very alone.

An hour or two after crying with my husband, I remember lying on that bed staring at my baby. All of a sudden I didn’t want to touch him. I didn’t want to hold him or feed him. I just stared at him. I was trying to figure out if I loved him. Crazy thought, I know. How could I not love him? This was the child I had been carrying in my womb for the last 9 months. I was his mother. But still I stared at him as if he were some kind of stranger. I was glad to be left alone in the room because I did not want anyone to sense these inner thoughts. All of a sudden a thought came into my mind. It was actually more of a question, and it came from God. “Kristine, do you want him? (long pause) If you don’t want him, I can take him away. What is it that you want?” This moment is without question the most critical moment of my future with Tyler. I was not ready to answer that question to God. I didn’t know the answer.

I left my baby lying peacefully on the bed and I walked into the bathroom to take a shower. I love the feeling of crying in the shower. No one can hear or see you. I can’t even feel my tears because of the pouring water hitting my face. I let the tears fall freely. I prayed with all honesty and sincerity. By the time I had turned off the water and dried myself off with a towel, my heart had changed. I knew the answer to God’s question. I felt love pouring into my heart in a way I had never experienced. In the shower I asked myself several questions. Do I want this baby? Would I rather he be taken back to heaven? Do I want to plead with God for a miracle? I felt as if Heavenly Father was also giving me the option of having the tests come back negative. Nothing was proven yet. However, I didn’t need test results to know that my baby had Down syndrome, I just knew.
The answer to these thoughts struck me within seconds filling my soul with surety. I no longer wanted any other baby than the baby sleeping a few feet away.
That powerful and spiritual few minutes of prayer gave me more than just the knowledge that Tyler was the baby I wanted. That time also eased one of my greatest initial fears. As soon as we learned of Tyler’s possible condition, my heart sank for my older son Joshua. All those months of being so excited for him to have a brother, was he going to be disappointed? Would he be embarrassed? Would he be resentful or angry that he would not have a normal brother? I felt like I had truly let Josh down and that he would not love his brother in the same way that other boys love their brothers. When God answered this concern, it was impossible to misunderstand. The Holy Ghost told me boldly, “This will NEVER be a problem. Josh will love his brother more than you can possibly know.” That answer struck me with force. I have never allowed myself to worry about it again. Thank you God for being crystal clear at that moment when I yearned for answers. I gained a significant amount of strength from my Father in Heaven that morning alone with my baby.

*It has been fun to add these feelings and memories to my blog. I started this blog the month Tyler was born. My husband has also never read these experiences that I recorded, and reading this has brought back some emotions he also felt over the last two years. I just found out last month that one of my good friends' sister-in-law found out that her baby is going to be born with Down syndrome. When I heard the news, my heart felt really heavy knowing that they were going to face some hard challenges. But this week they found out that their child does not have any heart problems, and that makes a world of difference. Now I feel joy knowing that this amazing couple is going to have a whole new dimension added to their life. Tyler is a blessing, there is no question about it.

On a lighter note, today I sang during sacrament and I sat up on the stand for a few minutes before I sang. While I was sitting up there, I noticed that my husband, who was supposed to be watching our three kids on the bench, had fallen asleep! How do you fall asleep with three kids at church??? (Dave obviously isn't getting a lot of sleep these days.) Tyler crawled up about 10 rows until someone caught him. I was watching Tyler making faces and being silly with an older woman. After a bit, I see Dave frantically wake up and look around in distraught, "Where is Tyler?!!" It took a while for him to find him, and I couldn't help but laugh at the situation. We love our "Master Tyler" as was titled on a birthday card from his great grandma!