Tyler's last day with long hair!

A walk in the woods.
"I'm just a little guy!"

THE BUZZ!

My favorite picture!

Tyler's two year old birthday party!

And in case you don't know exactly what that cake is, it is a moose. His name is Tyrone from the Backyardagains. We wanted to find a character that started with a "T" for Ty. Tyrone was our lucky moose. Of course Dave did the whole cake, but I would like you all to know that I placed the eye balls. That was my job.

Joshua's Star Wars Lego Birthday Party!

My little dancer!

On a lighter note...

I can't stop thinking about yesterday when I was ATTACKED BY A GOOSE! I was out running with a friend and this big hissing goose starts approaching me. He makes eye contact with me and flies straight at me! I started screaming and flailing my arms, so then he goes and starts pecking my friend who just covers her head and sprints. We ran for 40 minutes, and on our way back, the goose was awaiting our arrival.

Again, he came at me first. I knew this goose was not messing around, it wanted a piece of me. I wish we had it on tape because it must have looked hilarious. I was kicking, swinging, screaming, and that evil goose KNEW I was going to Karate chop its head off if it got one inch closer. Ok, this is getting dramatic but I was not swearing or speaking in English at this point. I think I was speaking goose language. The words that were coming out of my mouth were so completely bizarre. Once again, the goose backed away from me and flew right into my friends head a second time. We sprinted 50 feet, turned around in disbelief, and the possessed goose flew full speed to give us one last scare. I want to KILL that bird! (Not really, but I am bitter!) Next time I run that path, I am loading my pockets with rocks.

Today I stayed on the treadmill.

Day #8!

The beginning...

I didn’t really think I was pregnant. That would be nearly impossible. Nearly. I didn’t tell Dave I thought I should take a test; I just bought a pregnancy test to ease my mind one afternoon. The strangest thing is that Dave called from work, (something that seldom happened while he was doing rounds at the hospital) at the precise moment I was waiting for my result. He said, “Hey Kristine, how’s it going? What are you up to?” “Actually,” I said in a rather surprised tone, “I am just waiting to see my pregnancy test results.” There was a pause, “And……….” he said a little confused and unsure. I waited a few more seconds before I turned the stick over to the other side. “It says I am pregnant. Oh my gosh! I am seriously pregnant Dave.” There was another pause. I had absolutely no idea what was going to come out of his mouth next. “Congratulations honey, I love you. I gotta go. We’ll talk tonight.”
The other two times I had found out I was pregnant, I was jumping up and down all giddy and excited. This time around, I sat there stunned. I was scared.

Getting to take a glace at your baby for the first time on an ultrasound is a super exciting moment. The day I went for my ultrasound I didn’t bother getting a babysitter for Josh and Maddie, but rather decided we would make it a whole family event. Dave was working at the hospital, but he was going to sneak away to come in for my appointment. It really was a joyous moment being with my whole family in that tiny room with the doctor. As they went through all the organs and body parts, everything looked wonderful; no reason for any concern. The most exciting part of course, is finding out the sex of the baby. I didn’t think I had any preference, but when she told me I was having another boy I couldn’t be happier. Deep down, I wanted another boy mainly to give Josh a brother. On the Orme side, Dave’s two sisters and older brother had two boys in a row. The boys were heavily outweighing the girls in the Orme family. I was thrilled to have a baby girl for my second, but I hoped that I would be able to give Josh a brother soon after. For some reason, this really was a big deal for me. Maybe it is because my own brother never had a brother, or maybe I felt strongly about it because Dave was so close to his brothers.

In any case, Dave leaned over to me and wrapped his arm around me and whispered, “Good job honey. Boy, girl, boy! It can’t get any better than that!” At that moment, a feeling of pride crept into me. I never expressed these feelings to anyone, but I remember thinking, “I guess I really am good at this whole child baring thing I get pregnant easily, without any effort in fact, and I have never had a miscarriage or unexpected scare while being pregnant. For the most part, my pregnancies are smooth and I feel great throughout the whole 9 months. On top of it all, giving birth isn’t all that bad either. I guess I am lucky because each pregnancy and birth have been smooth." I walked away from the hospital feeling confident and sure of myself, my pregnancy, and my beautiful growing family.

A few hours after Tyler was born that specific memory flooded back to me. That feeling of being on top of the world now crumbled into a million pieces. It was a shock to my system as I remembered those thoughts from the months before. “Good job honey! Boy, girl, boy! It can’t get any better than that!” Now I felt stripped of the pride I had felt just a few months earlier, or even a few hours earlier. I felt ashamed and embarrassed that I had just given my husband a child who would be called retarded. How could I do this to him? I had just given Josh and Maddie a brother whom the kids at school would point their fingers at and laugh. Having a miscarriage at this point sounded like a much better solution than bringing a kid into the world that would be a financial and emotional strain on my family. What had I done? Now as I held this infant in my arms I felt as if everything in our family had changed. It had.

At one point that morning I remember breaking down into heavy sobs. Dave came over and sat by my side with his arm around me. He asked, “Kristine, what are you thinking about?” “Dave,” I began, “There are moments in my life that I wish my dad could be with me more than anything. I would do anything to have him with me right now.” I wanted to hold my dad right then, and cry with him. I wanted to feel his strong and loving embrace and be comforted in a way that only a dad can comfort his daughter. After I said this Dave too started sobbing. He said, “I know. I miss him right now too.” My dad was the person I was longing to express my grief with and although he had been gone for over 10 years, I knew that morning he was right there with me. He was so close. But not close enough to physically hold hands with in that little room. I knew my husband knew how much I was missing and needing my father; and he was feeling it too. We felt very alone.

An hour or two after crying with my husband, I remember lying on that bed staring at my baby. All of a sudden I didn’t want to touch him. I didn’t want to hold him or feed him. I just stared at him. I was trying to figure out if I loved him. Crazy thought, I know. How could I not love him? This was the child I had been carrying in my womb for the last 9 months. I was his mother. But still I stared at him as if he were some kind of stranger. I was glad to be left alone in the room because I did not want anyone to sense these inner thoughts. All of a sudden a thought came into my mind. It was actually more of a question, and it came from God. “Kristine, do you want him? (long pause) If you don’t want him, I can take him away. What is it that you want?” This moment is without question the most critical moment of my future with Tyler. I was not ready to answer that question to God. I didn’t know the answer.

I left my baby lying peacefully on the bed and I walked into the bathroom to take a shower. I love the feeling of crying in the shower. No one can hear or see you. I can’t even feel my tears because of the pouring water hitting my face. I let the tears fall freely. I prayed with all honesty and sincerity. By the time I had turned off the water and dried myself off with a towel, my heart had changed. I knew the answer to God’s question. I felt love pouring into my heart in a way I had never experienced. In the shower I asked myself several questions. Do I want this baby? Would I rather he be taken back to heaven? Do I want to plead with God for a miracle? I felt as if Heavenly Father was also giving me the option of having the tests come back negative. Nothing was proven yet. However, I didn’t need test results to know that my baby had Down syndrome, I just knew.
The answer to these thoughts struck me within seconds filling my soul with surety. I no longer wanted any other baby than the baby sleeping a few feet away.
That powerful and spiritual few minutes of prayer gave me more than just the knowledge that Tyler was the baby I wanted. That time also eased one of my greatest initial fears. As soon as we learned of Tyler’s possible condition, my heart sank for my older son Joshua. All those months of being so excited for him to have a brother, was he going to be disappointed? Would he be embarrassed? Would he be resentful or angry that he would not have a normal brother? I felt like I had truly let Josh down and that he would not love his brother in the same way that other boys love their brothers. When God answered this concern, it was impossible to misunderstand. The Holy Ghost told me boldly, “This will NEVER be a problem. Josh will love his brother more than you can possibly know.” That answer struck me with force. I have never allowed myself to worry about it again. Thank you God for being crystal clear at that moment when I yearned for answers. I gained a significant amount of strength from my Father in Heaven that morning alone with my baby.

*It has been fun to add these feelings and memories to my blog. I started this blog the month Tyler was born. My husband has also never read these experiences that I recorded, and reading this has brought back some emotions he also felt over the last two years. I just found out last month that one of my good friends' sister-in-law found out that her baby is going to be born with Down syndrome. When I heard the news, my heart felt really heavy knowing that they were going to face some hard challenges. But this week they found out that their child does not have any heart problems, and that makes a world of difference. Now I feel joy knowing that this amazing couple is going to have a whole new dimension added to their life. Tyler is a blessing, there is no question about it.

On a lighter note, today I sang during sacrament and I sat up on the stand for a few minutes before I sang. While I was sitting up there, I noticed that my husband, who was supposed to be watching our three kids on the bench, had fallen asleep! How do you fall asleep with three kids at church??? (Dave obviously isn't getting a lot of sleep these days.) Tyler crawled up about 10 rows until someone caught him. I was watching Tyler making faces and being silly with an older woman. After a bit, I see Dave frantically wake up and look around in distraught, "Where is Tyler?!!" It took a while for him to find him, and I couldn't help but laugh at the situation. We love our "Master Tyler" as was titled on a birthday card from his great grandma!

Day #7

These last two posts are going to be longer because Ty's birthday week is almost over! (I think I am going to add a "bonus" day.) I have listed 5 instances with random people that stand out to me. They are all different and bring about different perspectives.

1. Recently Dave had an interesting encounter with a nurse that I would like to share. My husband was reading the reports of a 10 year old boy who had numerous problems. The doctors will often call him, “syndromic” because there are many different issues going on and can’t be singled out to one diagnosis or syndrome. As Dr. Orme was describing this patient, the nurse asked with a smile, “Is he FLK?” Dave felt stupid because he had never heard that term and wondered if it was an important medical term that he should know. He stared at her blankly and said, “I have never heard of FLK. What is that?” She looked at him and kind of laughed as she said, “You really have never heard of FLK? That is the abbreviation for “Funny Looking Kid.” Without much of a pause, Dave said, “Do you really think we need to be calling a kid “funny looking”? We have medical terms to describe how they look.” She was still joking around when she said, “But didn’t you see him? He is funny looking!”

Dave is not usually confrontational in these types of settings, but this occasion he decided to make his stand clear. He said boldly, “So when my son comes into the office to visit, are you going to call him an FLK?” Taken back, she said, “Why, what’s wrong with your son?” Dave replied, “He has Down syndrome.”

2. There was an African American woman who only made it to church a handful of times in Detroit, but she was bursting with personality. For some reason Beverly and I really hit it off from the beginning. She was a total baby hog with Tyler at church one day. She wanted to hold him for the entire three hours. It was so fun to see how much she was drawn to him. He was so cuddly and sweet for her that she just couldn’t give him back. When church was over, I said to her out in the hall, “Beverly, do you know that Tyler has Down syndrome?” She stared at me with a blank expression. I then asked, “Have you ever met anyone with Down syndrome? Do you know what it is?” She shot back with, “Well, my eight year old daughter has had a lot of anxiety ever since her father was murdered two years ago. Is it like anxiety?” I seriously did not know how to respond. I was floored on many levels. I didn’t know her husband had been murdered, and, I was shocked that she truly did not have a clue as to what Down syndrome was. I just replied casually, “Actually, no, Down syndrome doesn’t have much to do with anxiety.” That was the end of our conversation. She shrugged her shoulders, gave Tyler a big kiss and headed home. Probably never gave it a second thought.
In the first few months it really was a bit frightening deciding whether or not to tell someone the truth. As illustrated by my friend Beverly, I never knew where that other person was coming from.

3. There was a wonderful older sister from Columbia in our church in Michigan who absolutely loved babies. The first time I came back to church and she saw my baby, she came right up to examine him. She said in her broken English with a heavy Spanish accent, “He is a beautiful baby. Oh, the doctor’s are wrong! They are wrong! He is perfect. Don’t worry, he is a perfect baby.” There were many weeks where she would continue to tell me the doctor’s were wrong. It always just made me chuckle. She was so sweet and loving. It was wonderful having Tyler look so normal in the beginning. For me, that helped to ease me into this new road I was being led down.

4. Three months before Tyler was born, my friend Anna had a baby girl Emmaline that was born with a cleft lip. It was a shock to Anna and her husband Nate, but mostly because Emmaline was supposed to be a boy, or so Anna had thought. I remember that first day going over to see her new baby. I did not know that Emmaline had a clef lip. When Anna pulled out the pacifier, for a minute I felt very uncomfortable thinking, “How horrible it must be to have such a beautiful baby with such an obvious problem in the center of her face.” It was a minor cleft, and would only need a minor surgery, but still, I couldn’t help but think, “I would personally have a hard time showing my baby to people and know that everyone is staring at her lip.”

Anna was a person I was excited to talk with about Tyler after we received the test results. I knew she would be open and comfortable talking with me. As I thought about her daughter Emmaline; who now just had a tiny scar from the surgery correcting her upper lip, I compared her situation to Tyler’s. Tyler’s face and skin was beautiful and appeared perfect to a stranger. But now, my baby had something wrong with each and every cell in his entire body. Oh at that moment how I wished it could have been as simple as a cleft lip.

On another occasion, a group of my friends from our Detroit branch were talking over a delicious crepe breakfast. Another one of my close friends had just discovered that her baby, a few months away from birth, also appeared to have a cleft lip and palate. Our discussion became a little more serious and I remember Anna saying to us all, “Imagine being given a beautiful mansion. It is everything you have ever dreamed.” (I am going to add my own detail of the vision I saw in my head.) “Everything in the entire house is perfect, designed just for you, more than you could have ever hoped for. You walk up to your mansion with the spectacular landscape and you just can’t wait to see it all. When you come to the huge front door, the door is a little sticky and won’t turn properly. The door knob obviously needs to be fixed or replaced. But then, your mouth drops as the door cracks open and you behold the beautiful high ceilings, the intricate paneling on every door frame, the lavish furniture and art work. Do you stop yourself and get angry and frustrated about the door knob? Are you able to look past the tiny imperfection and behold such a master piece, all for you? A gift sent from God? Of course you look past something as minor as a sticky door knob.”

The comparison was obviously between a mansion and a precious baby sent from heaven. Anna said it was hard for her to even notice the cleft lip because she was so in love with her little girl. I loved the analogy. I sat there thinking about it as the conversation moved on. I wanted to express my thoughts, but I wouldn’t dare. I was not angry, I was simply questioning. “What kind of a mansion is Tyler?” To the onlooker, the facade is perfect. Anyone would be elated to have a mansion so perfect on the outside. The door knob was not sticky or flawed. The door opened perfectly. But what was different on the inside. The mansion was still beautiful and intricate, but something was off. With closer examination, it seemed that just about everything was slightly altered from what you would have imagined. The windows may have been set too low. The doorways were not level. The wallpaper did not match up properly. The stairs were slightly slanted. As you looked closely at everything in your mansion, your heart sinks and you know that this home is different and will always be different, no matter what great efforts you may make.
I felt disturbed. How come my mansion, or rather, my baby is so beautiful on the outside, yet nothing seems right on the inside? Tyler does not have a disease that can be cured. Tyler can not have one or two or one hundred surgeries and be normal. It was moments such as these that I had to understand the reality and accept the future of my little baby. I could only be in shock and denial for so long before it was time to embrace and accept Tyler for his unique spirit.

I think one of the reasons I love my friends in Michigan so much is because of how loving they were to me during that first year of Tyler's life. They probably don't think they did very much, but they did SO much!

Last, but not least...

5. My mother. I was sad and scared to tell a lot of people about Tyler in those first few days of his birth, but I was not afraid to tell my mom. For some reason Dave and I both felt that she would be the easiest to tell and would accept the news the best, which she did. It felt so good to talk with my mom a few hours after the birth. She was wonderful. There were a lot of family members who felt uncomfortable and unsure of what to say, but my mom was genuine and loving. I couldn't be more grateful.

My mom came to visit us a few months after we moved to Indiana. One morning she came to the gym with me, mainly to hang out, not necessarily work out. We dropped Tyler off at the child watch and peeked on him through the window for a few minutes. They were just getting ready for snack. It is so adorable watching 10 little toddlers all sitting up around a small table eating their goldfish. Tyler looked so big sitting there all by himself. My mom was watching him with a smile on her face. I asked my mom at that moment, “Mom, do you ever get embarrassed that Tyler is your grandson?” I caught her completely off guard. I knew I would, and I knew what her answer was going to be, I just wanted to hear it. She said in disbelief, “Are you kidding Kristine? Why would I ever be embarrassed of Tyler. He is the most adorable little boy I know.”

I feel like my mom is exceptional in this way. I believe there are many other grandmothers and mothers who would deep down feel uncomfortable and embarrassed if that was their child sitting amongst all the other normal children. There are moments where those feelings creep in to both David and I. Not often, but they come and go from time to time. I think that is why I asked my mom. I knew she would be honest, and it brings me comfort to know that my family accepts Tyler and loves him just as much as they love my other kids. Thanks mom. I have never doubted how much you love Tyler.

Day #6

By the time someone is on their third baby, you typically do not have a baby shower. The medical school wives that I was friends with invited me over for a “celebration luncheon” two weeks after Tyler was born. A very small part of me wanted to go to that luncheon. The larger part of me was hanging on by a thread that day and I knew in my mind that if someone asked me anything related to Down syndrome, I was going to burst into tears. I just crossed my fingers that they wouldn't mention it. I was very close to these girls, but I was not comfortable talking with anyone about Tyler's condition yet. Thank goodness, the whole hour went smoothly and no one asked me any questions. Again and again each girl kept gooing and gawing over Ty; just like he was any other baby. "Oh, he is so cute." "He is so precious." "He is so beautiful and tiny." Those comments also threw me for a loop because at first I truly believed that they must be lying to me. Surely they think he looks different or weird and they are just trying to cover it up by overdoing the compliments. I didn’t believe them and I started to feel angry. But as I looked a little closer into my friends eyes and listened as they stroked Tyler's hair, Istarted to believe, "They do think my baby is cute. They really really do!" I was grateful for that day.

I love rubbing my hands along Tyler’s hands, tracing his fingers, and moving up his arms. His skin is so soft and the little fat rolls fascinate me. My other two babies were long and skinny. They were always on the low side of the weight scale. They were long and lean and light as a feather. As I examine Tyler’s arms, legs and belly; it feels new to me. I’m not so sure I ever thought chubby babies were cute until now. That really sounds like a horrible thing to say. I am sorry. I was drawn to leaner babies in the beginning. But now, the little pudgy rolls on Tyler make me even more excited to squeeze him to my chest tightly. I like studying each feature on Tyler. Yes, his fingers and toes are more stubby. I can tell his arms and legs are not nearly as lengthy as Josh and Maddie’s. Ty is so rolly polly and the majority of his weight is plopped in the center of that big belly. Another description that comes to mind is a little butter ball. I just can’t get enough of it! I guess I notice the difference in his eyes, but the other facial features don’t stand out to me. The majority of the time, I see Tyler and I just think, “There is my cute little Ty.”

But every now and again I walk into the room and the thought flashes through my mind, “Wow, he really does look like a child with Down syndrome.” It startles me. By the time Tyler passed his year mark, I knew the months I had previously, of people not noticing the unique features, were over. Did it bring me comfort to know for so many months that I could hide this truth from people if I chose to do so? I think so. I enjoyed hearing people tell me how beautiful my son was, and I knew they didn’t have a clue. Did it matter? I don’t like to think of myself as someone who cares a great deal about what other people think of me. I hope to have enough confidence and security to feel good about myself regardless of what others may say. I don’t think I admit how often I do care. I wish I didn’t. I probably shouldn’t. But I do; especially when it comes to my kids.

Day #5

The birthday week continues on...
About 4 weeks after I had Tyler, I was very excited to get back into singing. I scheduled a voice lesson with my teacher and since it was a rather far drive, I figured I would bring Ty and let him sleep during my lesson rather than be away from him for 3 hours. I have a lot of admiration and respect for this particular teacher. I found her to be very wise and insightful in all my lessons. Voice lessons can be more of a personal therapy session than just vocalizing. She knew how to reach into the very depth of my being as I expressed myself through each song. I think that is the reason why I was so taken back by her reaction to Tyler.

I was carrying him in a sling to help get him to sleep when I walked in the door. She was of course so excited to see the tiny baby and touch his little fingers. I studied her face. I knew she didn’t know. No one could tell by looking at him at that point. I didn’t have to tell her. I wanted to be brave. She was one of the first people I “tested out the water” with regarding Tyler. After a few moments I said, “We have learned that Tyler has Down syndrome.” Her whole countenance changed to a much darker and concerned expression. “Oh wow,” she said somberly, “that is going to be such a strain on you and your husband. I am so sorry.” I didn’t know how to respond. I was feeling especially positive and upbeat that day so I responded by saying, “My husband and I have been shocked about it, but we are actually really excited to raise him. I am not so sure it will be a negative thing.” She looked at me as though she didn’t believe one word of what I had said and then shot back with, “Well, I can tell you one thing. It is going to be the hardest on your other two children.” She didn’t say anything more but by the way she was staring at me and nodding her head, the only thing I could weakly utter back was, “I don’t know, we’ll see.”

That was a tough encounter for me; however, there was something really cool about it that I could have never explained to her. As soon as she said that last statement, instead of my heart sinking in pity for “poor” Josh and Maddie, the exact opposite emotion spoke to my heart. The spirit told me boldly and clearly, “She is wrong. Don’t you ever worry about Tyler being a burden and strain to Josh and Maddie. Do not concern yourself with those thoughts. Tyler will be one of their greatest joys.”

I knew that to be true then, I know now, and I foresee in the future that my children will love Tyler as deeply as Dave and I love him. I felt grateful to be strengthened through that rather harsh comment. My relationship with my Father in Heaven and His plan for his children has given me a more hopeful perspective. When I have encounters such as those, they are hard, but I feel a renewed love and confidence in my son that he is a tremendous blessing to my life as well as all those who will know him.